Hodge Podge

Thursday December 10, 2009
surreal
one does not expect or plan to have a child who does not have a father, but who does have half siblings scattered throughout the nation. Feels so odd and out of place, and ... just will be an adjustment and brand new territory to build a relationship between our two families. So glad. And is what I want. But feels odd and Jerry Springerish, totally. Yes, I feel sorry for myself. And I blame myself, and I regret that I made such poor choices that resulted in this situation.

monday sept 14th, 2009
ten of cups
home restless cleaning out closet, room is officially DONE. NOthing remains to distract me from anything else. Basement is next. Keep making room.

Friday sept 18th
the moon
again

Law of Attraction says,

"That which is like unto itself is drawn."

Which means vibrations are always matched.

So as you experience the contrast

which inspires the new idea within you,

this new idea --this desire --

whether it is a strong one or a soft one,

is summoning unto itself proportionately.

And as it summons,

it is always answered.

It is the basis of our Universe:

When it is asked,

it is always given.

The confusion that humans feel

is that they think they are asking

with their words --

or even with their action --

and sometimes you are.

But the Universe is not responding

to your words or your action.

The Universe is responding

to your vibrational calling.

-Abraham

thurs - three of swords


"However, sometimes, particularly when the Lord of Sorrow is not badly aspected by the cards around it, there's another more complex reason for its appearance. This card will always come up during a period of unhappiness, confusion or disturbance. There will be doubt (especially of the self), inability to make decisions, sometimes ill-health which wears you down and makes you feel that you cannot cope.

To identify this as a meaning for the card, look for cards indicating weariness and apathy - 7 of Swords, 5 of Disks, the Moon etc - and the absence of other 'bad' cards.

And if the Lord of Sorrow brings grief and sadness into your life, try hard to look forward in the reading to the start of the recovery period, in order to give yourself something positive to hold onto. Sometimes this card will appear to mark a shocking unexpected event which, whilst painful, is not as awful as it might first appear. It helps a little to know when the tide is going to begin to turn in your favour.

If the 3 of Swords rules on a day when you have no particular difficulties that need dealing with, you might like to spend a little time considering the whole concept of sorrow. We have become very afraid of experiencing pain - we will often go to great lengths to fail to enter into our own pain with a generous, gentle heart.

Yet having the ability to face your own pain makes it into a more tolerable event when, sadly, it happens in your life. Look at the ways in which you have dealt with past pain. Try to decide if you feel you have done the best you could for yourself - and if not, work out why not.

When we get hurt, we often make our suffering much worse by barbing the pain with guilt, self-accusation and bitterness directed to both ourselves and others. Often we do this as a way of trying to avoid feeling our pain - we distract ourselves with things that are basically irrelevant, but which eventually end up fouling the pure experience of hurting.

Each one of us has a right to experience our sadness without judgment, nor recriminations, nor guilt. If, rather than avoiding hurt, we engage it, sometimes it can provide a clear energy for transformation, creativity and development.

I don't advocate suffering as an efficient spiritual tool, but there are times when, since you hurt anyhow, you can direct the deep emotional experience into new insight. And in so doing, you might well find your way through your pain with fewer after-effects and dark memories.


Affirmation: I trust myself to feel my own pain"


Source: www.angelpaths.com







Source: http://s176.photobucket.com/albums/w163/gaaraogwar_2007/



joshua getting a cold and so grumpy this morning

i am feeling better but icky and just feel out of it today, so tired at work

my throat hurts blech

two and a half hours to go

and my ears hurt too

money thing

custody order

Fri
page of wands
Exuberant

Joshua is a publicity hound

oh my god. lol

A few weeks ago, maybe a month ago, Richard and Joshua went to Adkins Arboretum, and got caught resting by a photographer while they were there.

Apparently that photographer worked for the arboretum and was getting shots for next year's brochures and marketing materials.

and yup, these two mugs are going to be all over next year's brochures!

and the little twerp just had his picture on the front page of the paper for the last train show he was at!

Morning Bliss

From joy to horror in 3 days

What began as "Oh my god I love shopping online, this is so great!" turned into a flurry of emails verifying shipments and "Oh my god I think I bought three of those lamps!"

and after printing out every single shipment email and highlighting items and dates, I did indeed realize that I had bought two more than I thought I had. Which I'm going to keep. Because I wanted one anyway.

ah the bliss of domesticity
morning : "mommy there's a dead hermit crab in the bathroom"
and silence when we questioned HOW the hermit crab got in the downstairs bathroom since he lives upstairs.

and "He ruined my life!!!!" (the dog did. Because he ate the other half of joshua's doughnut). God forbid. The drama.

"not these pants again" ... perfectly good black and gray camo pants, one of the few pairs that do not require a belt and for some god unknown reason he is so prejudiced against them! He hasn't worn them in over a month! So I lied and told him they were the only clean ones left.

Baby Mamas Unite!

Following is a letter that I have helped Joshua write to his half-brother Mikey. Mikey's mom contacted me via Facebook and we would like our sons to get to know each other and grow up together. She had the idea that we could exchange letters and pictures until we have time to get together, and so following is ours:

Dear Mikey,

I love trains, Spongebob, and the movies: Jaws, Jaws II, Jaws III, Tremors, Arachnophobia and Polar Express. I love Christmas and sing Christmas songs no matter what time of year it is! I like school, especially math and science. I don't like being bored. I don't like eating vegetables!

I have a dog named Mickey that I call "Dickey Dog", two parakeets that I got for Christmas last year and a really great hermit crab. He got out once and wandered around my room for 2 weeks before we found him! And he was still alive! He is very nice and doesn't pinch.

I have a very good pitching arm but so far, not much interest in playing baseball. I tried soccer and tennis, but was bored after the first 10 minutes. I am sending you a picture of my tennis class from the autumn before last. Mom is going to try to get together a picture from every year since 2004 so you can see how I grew and get caught up. Maybe you and your mom can do the same thing with yours?

I love to cook, and can make pancakes, hot dogs, pizza, macaroni and cheese, and scrambled eggs.

I also like to walk in the woods and ride my bike. We are members of Adkins Arboretum so I can learn about nature and trees. I seem to tear my bikes up pretty fast; this is my second or third one. Mom can't keep count. I have a scooter too but don't ride it too much. I am sending a picture of my Spiderman bike - but it's already broken. I flattened the tire and bent the rim by riding around on it before Mom found out. I have a Spiderman bike helmet too.

I like to wrestle and fight and my brother Lance says I am a good fighter and can hold my own. This is because there have been bullies at my daycare sometimes and my mom has taught me how to push and hit back when I need to. I am sending a picture of me and Lance on the ferry. Lance is grown up and doesn't live with us, but I see him every other weekend. Maybe he can be your big brother too. He takes me to places when Mom has to work and teaches me about how to be a good person.

I am sending a picture of me taking the trash out - it is one of my chores. I don't like doing it because it smells bad. I explain this to Mom in great detail but she only gives me the lecture about how ALL FAMILY MEMBERS WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE A NICE HOME. I can also clean a toilet, wash dishes, dry dishes, and help with laundry. I love to vacuum! I have my very own small vacuum cleaner because I like it so much. I also love to spray and wipe things.

People say I am "a Momma's Boy". I like to snuggle and hug and was pretty good at manipulting my mom with pity parties and sob stories and armchair psychology until she caught on to what a great actor I am. I am very melodramatic and can act like the whole world is ending when I don't get my way. Just the other day I told her that Christmas was RUINED because there was no snow.

I believe in Santa Claus. I sent him a letter in March and in September too, and he wrote back! We have a great mailman.

I get into trouble for not picking up my toys or socks, losing my shoes, destroying my shoes in mud puddles, destroying mom's shoes in mud puddles, and having a smart mouth. I usually try pretty hard to behave, though.

I am afraid of the dark because my Mommom lets me watch scary movies. I have my own room but still crawl into bed with Mom most nights, or just start out there in the first place. I will draw you a picture and mail it to you soon.

Handcuffs For Good Behavior!

Yesterday was Joshua's first dentist appointment, or rather, his second half of his first one. Last June we got him as far as into the chair and no further. Not even the stuffed dinosaur could convince him otherwise. This time I prepped. We got Bucky the Beaver Goes to the Dentist, a fun, song filled video, out of our library and watched it for three weeks, over and over.

Then, instead of just making an appointment for him by himself, I made an appointment for him, myself, and Lance to get our anuual cleanings and checkups. Even though I had just had my own cleaning a month ago. One can never have too many dental cleanings!

Last but not least, I had discovered that my beloved dentist did indeed do pediatric dentistry, and thanks to the wonderful ladies at Reception, I also found out that Joshua was fully insured for his visit! So we betook ourselves to the same dentist that has seen me since I was 19 or 20 years old, and who had seen Lance since he was 5 himself! Dr. Wally, aka Bayside Dental in Stevensville, Maryland. The only dentist office I truly trust to treat my children.

We arrive, and Joshua and Lance played video games while I settled my paperwork with the ladies at Reception.





Then Joshua perused the prizes in the Treasure Chest:






I was first, so settled in to the chair . . .





and Joshua got prepped to assist Kristen, the Dental Hygenist and Dr. Wally's own daughter.






I got my face and neck checked for swellings and bumps,





thereby demonstrating to Joshua that horrible, painful things happen in the dentist chair. I almost fell asleep. Kristen went through every step for Joshua to see, and did such a great job that he actually got bored with holding my suction thing and went back out to play in the waiting room!





... Where he made the tallest tower on the Eastern Shore!

He checked the Treasure Chest again and picked out his prize ahead of time:





and on we went to Lance's exam!

Mr. "I want to sit up for my exam" lowered Lance's chair so much that his head was actually lower than his feet!

As you can see, Kristen taught him well.

I unfortunately did not get a picture of - it was hilarious!

Lance finished a while later, and Joshua again checked in the Treasure Chest to

1. Make sure all the toys were still there.

and

2. Make sure that he still wanted the same prize that he had previously picked.

One can never be too careful about one's Treasure Chest prize!

FINALLY it was Joshua's turn. He was nervous but finally got into the chair.





One of the ladies took GREAT pictures of Joshua's turn, which I don't have scanned to the computer, but which hold places of honor on our refridgerator door for all our family to see. It was one, big, celebration and everyone helped make it special. Lance said he thought we were bad with the cameras until they brought their own out!





Got to put on the same bib he had attached to both Lance and I, and likewise with the safety goggles. Everything was so familiar it was old hat. Checked out the lights in the "space ship" for a moment.

Kristen checked his face and neck for swellings and bumps, and that was old hat too.





Kristen is ingenuous and actually got the child to giggle and laugh in the dentist chair!





Have you ever seen anything LIKE it??

The rest was EASY!

And then, of course, back

to

the

Treasure Chest.

Where he chose an entire bag full of these:

Which, in my twenties, would have been fodder for a whole other type of blog! In this time and place, it only means that everything in the house will be locked up with tiny little handcuffs for the next six months, unless he gets bored with them sooner than that.

Following is the contact information for Bayside Dental, in case anyone reading this would like to make their own appointment, or make their own child's first visit to the dentist a special and exciting occasion!

Bayside Dental
208 Saint Claire Pl
Stevensville, MD 21666-2170
(410) 643-8110

Look Into My Eyes

That stuff you teach them really does sink in to their heads. I am surprised every time it is proven to me. Sitting in the doctor's office Monday night, Joshua's fever is back up to 103.9, he's shivering, he's blotchy, he's in tears, and he's scared to death because he has to get x-rays and shots and all kinds of things, and he's starting to lose it. I'm sitting on the floor in front of his chair with my arms around his waist, trying to calm him down.

Anyone who reads my blogs already knows that he knows how to do deep breathing, because I taught him how to do it to "help his body parts go to sleep at night". So he's working himself up into hysterics really fast, and I asked him to do his deep breaths, then remembered something I read somewhere, and I said "Joshua. Look into my eyes. Now lets breathe together."

And we did. I held his gaze, we did not blink, we breathed in ......

and then out.

in ......

and

out.....

Number one, he actually listened to me, so I was shocked about that. Number two, it actually calmed him down, and I was shocked about that! I am still in awe that you can teach a child that young to use these techniques, and it actually sinks in, and they can actually utilize them.

Not that I was just guessing in the first place, or anything.

Q&A with E. Ethelbert Miller of Poet Lore

Q&A with E. Ethelbert Miller of Poet Lore

"I Hate This House"

Some highlights from last week:

ways i loved myself last week:

* i wrapped my calf up in ace bandages even though it doesn't really hurt anymore, just because it is still in the two week healing range and I want to be kind to it.

* did my yoga with Rodney Yee, whom I have the absolute hots for.




Wednesday:
We are getting swine shots tonight.

Joshua was very brave. He got the Nose Spray (which I am now regretting, see Saturday). He held Miss Marilou's hand so she could be brave too. We got a great shot giver!

Thursday:
Joshua's croup cough has come back with a vengeance! I think because of the Nose Spray, because we've been fighting this cough for two weeks and I had finally beaten it back with cool mist humidifiers and cough medicine every now and then.

Affirmation of the Day : "love dissolves cruelty and fills the world with beauty"

Joshua feels a little warm, I could swear he's got a low grade fever.

Saturday:
Joshua has swine flu yea!

Sunday:
day two of swine flu





worked on card of the day calendars; June was dominated by Spirit, July and August by Air. Got a lot done this summer, truly.

finished first draft of 1st press release
want something to snack on, but what?

listening to mall cop because joshua loves it!

richard brought sugar free popsicles. Joshua ate half the bag. A little bit of brightness to his Sickie Day.

today: page wands. So I focused on that damn press release, and I'm glad I did because now it's finished and everything is organized for the coming week!





laundry?
No thank you.

charged phone
always a good thing.

press release was revised and approved, I got the Publicity Chair Position for the Eastern Shore Writer's Association, woo hoo! Having a lot of fun with it too! Thank you Judy and Wyatt!

looking at turtle magazine, seems to be geared toward the age group I tend to write for at the moment. Going to search around for something to submit. If I can't find something, I will create something.

need to organize writing stuff first though.
Note: Do that later.

Read John Edward's book, "What If God Were the Sun?"Very inspiring. Very comforting. The main character's account of his post death experience made me think of this one:




Not obsessively, just made me wonder what he experienced after leaving his own body, and made me glad that he didn't have to die on that table, that they let him die in my arms.

Random Quotes From Last Week:

"I hate this house"
because The Mommom asked Joshua to please get her a Pepsi from the refridgerator. I thought he was supposed to act like this when he was 15 not 5.

"omg who ate all the laffy taffy?"
"oh wait that was me."
I don't know why it always surprises me!

Getting ready to lay down and watch Martian Child, give Joshua some Motrin for the nig

Nursing Homes

Early Morning Light
and your mouth all agape could catch the very
moon in its cavernous reaches. Warm cloth wet pressed
gently to carefully bathe the wilting curves of your
crust imprisoned eyes; stir your sleeping face to life.
You wake. I smile, first person in your day -
remember that yesterday you slept until fully dressed. Sleep
so like a coma, these tormented days in the
downhill slide toward your death. And release. Your
eyes, two often pale pools of vacancy today are
focused and sharp on my face. Right here with
me, you are. I brush your hair back off
your forehad, as you so often do my own, softly,
and bend to kiss your too cold cheek. Your
tremulous smile lights up the blank nursing room home
is brilliant to me.

My Early Morning Light