My Dish-washing Theory

I have been asked to expound on my theory of dish-washing. Get out your notepads and pencils; this could get complicated.

Soak Cycle

The dishes must first be SOAKED.

Start the water, wait until it is scalding hot, then fill the sink with the scalding hot soapy water and throw the dishes in. Or just place them, if you are feeling laid back. You must not actually wash them at this point. They have to stay in the water for exactly 45 to 60 minutes. No less than 45 (water will not be cooled enough to touch yet), but no more than 60 (water will get too cool after that). Don't bother experimenting with these time frames; I have already done EXTENSIVE research to reach these conclusions.

If someone is to be so silly as to ask you "why are they just sitting there, why aren't you washing them?", you may

a) look at them as if they are stupid, and then

b) patiently inform them that you would get burned/scalded, injured, etc., if you were to be so irresponsibly impetuous as to immerse your hands in the water, which you should carefully explain to them is scalding hot.

This first cycle satisfies two very important objectives:

First, you make the water and soap and dishes do your work for you .... this is much the same as figuring out how to make your money work for YOU, instead of you just working for IT. People go to college and earn degrees to figure things like this out, and I am giving it to you for FREE, so appreciate it for what it is worth.

Secondly, not only is your soap and water and dishes doing the work for you for these first 45 minutes, but you may additionally utilize this precious time by contributing to your spiritual and emotional health instead of wasting it on mindless labor. Mindless labor is for peasants; have we not evolved just a bit more than that? So while your dishes are soaking, you must be sure to occupy yourself with your spiritual endeavors, such as watching television (what is television viewing if not erasing your mind of all thought - MEDITATION), reading a book (self education ... we are Life Long Learners, always, don't forget), or taking a shower (water is a powerful aura cleanser) ... IF you have not already used up all the hot water.

Recap: soaking the dishes in scalding hot water for at least an hour. Dishes do the work for you, and you are freed up to focus on more important endeavors. Balance, balance, balance. All the greatest spiritual masters strive for balance. And in this way, you can incorporate it right into your every day life.

Wash Cycle

After the hour of soaking time, you may begin to WASH the dishes. If and when you find yourself expending more than a single split second on scrubbing any given dish, put it to the side immediately - OBVIOUSLY it is in need of a Secondary Soak Cycle. Which you can set up after the current sink of dishes is washed.

Dry Cycle

The Dry Cycle is very challenging to complete. Only those people who have spiritually cultivated their Virtue of Patience should attempt this without guidance. The dishes, once washed, must sit in the drainer for NO LESS than TWENTY-FOUR HOURS. This is of the utmost importance. If you attempt to put them away before this time has elapsed, they may not be entirely dry. And then they would become mildew-y and disgusting, not to mention un-hygenic, in the cupboards. If this were to happen, your entire family's health could be in jeopardy. Someone may ask you, "Well, why don't you just dry them with a towel?" You may respond to this foolishness as follows:

a) look at them as if they are stupid, and then

b) patiently inform them or remind them of the disgusting and copious amounts of germ warfare that cover dishtowels every single day, in every single American house-hold. Tell them, "Bin Ladin has no shame. Freedom comes with a price, and that price is vigilance. One must NEVER dry the dishes with a dish towel."

And then for good measure,

c) look at them as if they are stupid again.

With the Dry Cycle taking a good 24 hours to complete, it may be quite some time before you are able to commence with a new Soak. Do not be alarmed if the dishes begin to pile up on the sink. They will still be there tomorrow. And you will have achieved a Spiritual Balance and Harmony in your kitchen that others will only be able to envy.